


Distance

by ElizabethWilde



Series: Learning How to Smile [2]
Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-07-10
Updated: 2002-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 00:33:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1919988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElizabethWilde/pseuds/ElizabethWilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scott and Jean have a fight that proves to be the final straw.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Distance

**Author's Note:**

> The song used is "Thrift Store Chair" by Everclear, which is fabulous.

~Baby, go to bed  
And put out the light.  
We both know  
If we talk anymore  
We are going to end up  
In a great big fight.

I think we're headed for a big fall  
I think we're headed for a bad time~

"Why won't you ever talk to me?"

"I talk to you all the time."

"God, you can't even yell at me, can you?"

"Why would I yell at you?"

"So that I'll know you at least fucking feel something!" The words, a loud, harsh approximation of a whisper, echoed through the small room. Jean watched for any hint of a reaction in her fiance only to find his face as emotionless as before. Her shoulders sagged as she sat down on the edge of the bed. 

"Let's try to get some sleep. We can talk tomorrow when we're both thinking more clearly."

Jean's mouth opened and then she shook her head. "Fine."

They lay side-by-side, each with eyes closed more to avoid looking at each other than with any intention of sleeping. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~You can have your way again  
Yeah, you believe  
What you want to believe.

You can walk all over me   
Tomorrow

But tonight   
Can't we both   
Just pretend to sleep?~

She wants me to talk. I would if I thought it would help, if I knew whatever magic words she wants to hear. I've tried again and again, tried reminding her how much I love her, tried to find the spark we used to have. Somehow it's getting lost. //We're// getting lost. 

I don't want to go back to being me, alone, without her. I don't like who I am when she isn't with me. So I give in. I always give in. Her words echo through my head, stabbing at whatever sanity I've managed to cling to. Part of me wants to jump out of bed and scream at her. "Goddammit, I love you more than I love anything! I don't want to ruin it, and that's why I never yell at you!"

But I don't. Because even if she says it's what she wants, I find it hard to believe. I've tried to stay the same for her. I'm scared that if things change in me, that they'll change us. I'm terrified that I'll lose her the way I lose my brother and my parents, the way I seem to lose everyone close to me.

Still, I know something's wrong. I don't even know if it's something I can fix. "So that I know you at least fucking feel something!" Am I really that cold? I know sometimes I leave her out when I get into "leader" mode, but I always thought I made up for it later. Is whatever's happening with us my fault? Me distancing myself without even knowing it?

More importantly, can we work through it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~...I lay in bed in the dark   
And all that I can see  
Is the distance that  
Grows between us  
You seem  
So far away from me~

I'm not sure if he's asleep or not. I glance over at him from time to time, but his face is impassive, eyes shrouded by glasses even now. The glasses are more than just protection from his powers. They're a wall between us. They're his power, his duty, his control, things I admire in him and things that always hold me at arm's length.

Sometimes, every now and then, I get to see behind the glasses, figuratively speaking. I know he loves me, I know he needs me. Those times are few and far between. It seems like it's getting harder every day to remain together, to fight whatever force is tearing us apart. I feel like part of me is slowly being cut out, away. I don't know how to stop it, and I'm not even sure I should try.

I love Scott. I'm not saying I don't. I'm just not sure being together is helping either one of us at this point. We're trying so hard to be the person that the other wants us to be that neither one of us is really happy. We fight more, and usually about stupid things. We fight about things that don't matter and ignore this valley that's forming between us. We're stretching, reaching, trying to bridge it, and we either need to give up and move on or accept that we're going to fall in, self-destruct. Either way, it's going to hurt.

Scott won't end it. I know that. He's too busy worrying about making me happy to realize we're miserable. If anyone is going to try to make this clean, to get it out in the open and over with, it'll have to be me. I'm terrified. It hurts to think of losing him, but even though we're not a foot away from each other, even though I could reach out and touch him right now, we're not together. Not the way we used to be. Not the way we should be.

"Scott?"

"Mmm?"

"Tomorrow I'm... I'm going to see about getting my old room back."

The silence stretches out, amplifies, becomes louder than any scream could be. "Why?"

"You know why."

More silence, almost unbearable this time, some part of me hoping he'll beg me to stay, that he'll find whatever is missing between us in a sentence that will fix it all. "I'm going to sleep. Good night."

"Good night." There's nothing else to say.

~...We need to slow down for awhile.~


End file.
